# Finding my voice.

So, I absolutely HAVE to share the chaotic things I'm experiencing, even if it's so hard to put into clear and captivating words.

What I have to share with the world is beyond important and my conviction will destroy me if I put this aside forever.

Let's start.

I cant enjoy christmas lights without radiating anxiety about light pollution.
I can't eat food without feeling guilty that I'm a selfish, life-consuming being.
I consider suicide like it's a reasonable and logical solution to being born into a world with an underlying corruptness to it.
I can't even take deep breaths without feeling like I don't deserve it. I can hardly even engage in meaningful community work anymore without feeling the heavy guilt of the 'supply chain' type issues behind it - Like volunteering at a homeless shelter but not wanting the use the plastic cleaning products or something that isn't vegan, or anything along that line of thinking.

I throw my own words into ChatGPT to see if they make sense, to try to translate some of them into 'regular English' because my family doesn't understand the things I talk about.

But nothing here is written by an AI - I'm a human (for some reason) and this is what I care about. My life purpose is to share these DEEPLY important things with everyone who will listen.

## Addressing Limitations :

I can't share with you the unique glow inside my being; the meaningful music and what each note means to me; the unique colors I see, essentially. Well, I don't see color any differently than the average person, but it feels like I do when I remember just how much meaning my life is filled with.

I'm leaving the isolating hell of explaining things in only my kind of language - like how I use the term "relentless tyrant" to refer to basically all evil in the world, and then I put it into a sentence that could be interpreted as vague, confusing, or as overthinking. Like "The tyrant wants us, so we have to flee. The valley is full of life giving air! LOS GEHTS! HÖRST DU WUNDERSCHÖNE MUSIK??"

Beautiful language. Again, my life is filled with beauty and meaning. I don't even need to tell you that the hellish and rotting parts are also a key part of that overall meaning. But now, I have a bit more neutral/normal language for things, I've reached more people with my words, and I am being heard.

Everyone deserves to be heard!! What about the people suffering in silence in the world?? Where is their voice? How can we help them???

...See? Chaos. Don't worry, I have a plan to center my thoughts here... I kind of HAVE to center them because again - I need to get this information to everyone who will listen.

Of course there will be deep limitations in my communication. Communication issues are wide reaching and life ruining. I hate it, and I hate that scripture that talks about God twisting people's language.

## Addressing The Enemy:

"I have always known you - you have always been there in my mind. But now I understand you and I will not be part of your designs!!"

"I want to be more than - this devil inside of me!!"

I want to be MORE than this! Yes, the enemy lives partially inside of us. Thats why humans are the most dangerous thing ever.

But oh my fucking god, we need to have the right enemy.
You've heard it said before: "Gays, trans people, blacks and jews aren't the enemy, its the elites turning us against each other!"
Yeah, that's about right!

But it makes a little bit more sense to recognize the *even deeper* problem, which logically just appears to be the fucked up and complex nature of human beings. Religious people call it *Satan*.

I've felt so much power from using art, both my own and from great artists - to yell about the deeper, root enemy! Declaring that I will not partake in corrupt systems anymore.

## Solutions Based Thinking :

Honestly, this might describe my work in life simply - I have chosen a life where I build things from the ground up and focus on priorities. I be homeless so I can understand better forms of housing from the ground up.

It's also a Jesus-like trait to kind of put myself into the 'lower' class of society - people who suffer all the time and don't have stuff figured out.

It's definitely a sacrifice, because I love comfort and I can mindfully recognize the joy that modern comfort brings - but I have that pesky little conviction to deconstruct it all.

But don't worry, since there is genuine joy within these things we're deconstructing, you can be sure that I will fight to recreate them in the newly built version of my life.

I work for the day when comfort goes alongside the questionable alternative lifestyle. That's why I deeply love the cozy, medieval natural building simple life, and fruit tree paradise and similar aesthetics.

Oh God, what a beautiful vision. I carry this shit in my my mind, and in drawings and writings inside of my backpack. Life is ours to be won.

So then... This is my spark of energy to get me on the train track of solutions based fucking thinking.

I've seen far too many people in my life become filled up to the brim with problems. It is insanely overwhelming. It is death.

Problems without some (yes literally any resemblance of a) solution are by themselves, death. Nightmares in real life.

So. Fuck, just pin down what you can do within your lifetime to put this nightmare to death, and turn this ship around.

This concept inspired my work in the first place - trying to unite the online anti-predator communities to feel like we have more capability to make REAL change admidst literal tens of thousands of child abusers destroying our sanity DAILY.

It's time for solutions, and preferably, let's restructure our lives to make sure that solution-work is built in. That's my plan. If you're like me, then take this as your sign to come with me.

And fuck the isolation I experience from feeling like I am doing all this work by myself.

As a matter of fact, fuck every single nasty problem on Earth.

Dear reader, I hope you find me dancing in the woods singing and yelling about solutions, then maybe you and I can start talking about everything and become friends.

Hopefully it happens, seriously! Here's a picture of me so you can visualize it.

[picture of me. mephoto.jpg ]

## Suicide. :

Since you care enough to read full-length content of mine (which I am incredibly amazed by, assuming someone DOES read this) then I'd like to share with you something terrifying and comforting.

So, like many people, my brain justifies suicide. It's like a survival thing or whatever. Knowing there's a way out if life gets too disgusting.

I can even justify why suicide might be a good choice for a reasonable adult of sound mind to make!

Haha, but don't worry - my ideas here will circle around to not committing suicide, because I absolutely despise the possibility of us losing in the war against evil.

You'll see.

When my brain really gets busy justifying suicide, it paints a scenario. Of being in Alaska or maybe the ocean somewhere and then returning to the Earth. The ocean especially, since to me the ocean represents wholeness and oneness - the literal state I want us all to be in. Formless, perfect, and perfectly connected with each other. So it's comforting for me to want to die there.

I love when I feel 'neutral' in life - like not taking up too much space or interfering with life too much so as to accidentally cause bad outcomes. (like if I were to start writing about something and then someone interpreted it in a bad way, which I suppose is kind of a risk with this essay and specifically this section of it, but eh - I need to let go of trying to control certain things)

But because of this desire to be neutral, DYING becomes sort of a nice way to accomplish that. If I'm not here I can't accidentally fuck things up. My complex and corrupted and confusing nature as a human being can't intertwine with other people's complexness and accidentally create a nightmare. I've seen what people can accomplish when they use their human powers to make shit - National Center for Missing & Exploited Children is a GOOD example, but people can also form child trafficking networks. Ouchy. I can hardly fathom that my own nature has similarities to theirs. That's a wonderful reason to die. Yet, I recognize that my specific complex assortment of natureness™ probably *should* be mixed up with everyone else's. Then I can accomplish the whole "wholeness and oneness" thing while still being alive, and I could potentially share my good ideas. But I really really hope that my ideas are good and neutral or loving. I need them to be. There's too much bad in this world.

It's become this wonderful little system of thought, almost like its own ecosystem inside my being. Suicide.

Well why WOULDN'T I commit suicide in a beautiful way at some point in life when my body and mind start to fail me?

And even better - the impact of it.

If I ended my life then I think I could actually make a difference one last time. Of course it's a really scary way to 'make a difference' but if my goal here is to just make an impact, then I could theoretically die and then leave behind some kind of notes about what I want the world to hear. Then, I could imagine people closest to me would be more interested in caring and possibly taking these things to heart - basically just everything I talk about and my passions which really should be EVERYONE'S passions because I am not trying to be unique.

I was born into this life non-consensually, so the traditional guilt tripping of "your death would hurt everyone else" means very little to me, and in fact that little guilt trip is kinda really fucking selfish. Typing this makes me feel kinda gross. That's fine I suppose.

Now that I was actually able to write out this horrifying stuff, let's immediately end the section with some true but kind of forced bit on why suicide is bad. I only feel like this a certain percentage of the time anyway.

So - we all have this thing called 'shared humanity' which means we're all born non-consentually and deserve a good and balanced life by default.

I guess I'm staying alive because of that. That, and those truly good things in life.

The internal negotiations and paperwork continue!

## We Are Not Hopeless Against the World's Problems :

- We can't do anything against problems of such massive scale
- It doesn't affect my life that much, so why care so much
- I don't even have the time out of my day to do something against these problems. I'm trying to survive.

Fuck, okay, this one's horrifying.

Cliché answer: Everyone feels that way so what if everyone fucking came together - elitists, pedophiles, and abusers can't survive against an entire population of prepared people

And yet people skip the missing kid posters as they exit the store with brand new synthetic-fiber unethically sourced clothing.

"There before the threshold, I saw a brand new world beyond myself"

## Do we have an answer?

All I know for sure is that it's complex.

And it fucking PAINS me so deeply that I have to say that, because every part of my being desperately needs a one-size-fits-all complete and rock solid solution to the problems of our time.

I am in constant pursuit of a belief that brings me peace and certainty.

I want to find something unfailing and truly beautiful to trust in so that I can share it with everyone else and we can all be happy.

Even if logic ends up dictating that the world is too complex and flawed for someone to put their hope in this, my being will still aggressively search for it because it craves it.

I can probably owe a lot of this to deconstructing the default version of Christianity, and having experienced losing this deep fulfillment.

I'm sure there's something people like us can force into our minds that give us real true fulfillment and peace.

Even if it's something that couldn't possibly be described – like your senses working perfectly together to process a colorful, vivid, living event or moment - do you see that beauty?

I don't need to try to describe it. It's life, and the precious, truly good parts about it.

That's why I'm here. Because I fucking care about the truly good parts of life.

How do I end this section on as positive of a note as possible?

I've seen some horror movies and I absolutely refuse to let life end up like those.

Well, something nice has happened.

When the thoughts of throwing my life away in anger have been crushed under their own weight for a minute...

And usually after I lay down and before I fall asleep... I feel comfort.

A kind picture of a Jesus-like figure who's love is not at all limited or argued about!

I want this figure to be as neutral as possible.

I hope constantly to feel those comforting thoughts before sleep - it's almost worth living just for a nightly bit of fresh air like that.

Moreover, there's infinite stories of human beings who have found incredible levels of fulfillment!! We win!

## You Care, You Love :

So I kinda HATED the word 'love', I NEVER said it to anyone because it just sounds so cliché and like... Vulnerable.

I like it a bit more now, and I still try to prioritize showing love over saying it.

But, let's talk about receiving love.

If you read these things I truly care about, then I am heard, and loved - and people understand me!

And that means people can understand people like me, and we can all just hopefully work with each other and get past this existence-ruining problem of miscommunication.

So I think we won. We have to win, right?

Because the thing we're fighting against is suffering, tyranny, and selfish anger.

Whatever the absolute source of it is - demons, nature - we can't let it win because that's just too painful for me to imagine : )

Moral isolation aside. Confusion aside. Disgusting rotten feelings of depravity aside.

Life ending sudden hatred aside!

We all care about shit, so let's double down on caring, then multiply that level of care by 1000, and if we maybe really need the good parts of life to be untouched and prosperous then lets double down another 2 or 3 thousand times on caring relentlessly.

I've been thinking about just pure and unreserved honesty and love.

Like I've had online friends who are just so sweet to me, saying things like "oh I hear you, I think you're really strong for going through that. I hear you and I see you and you are known."

If anything on Earth prevents us from being like that, then perhaps we should declare war on whatever deep rooted enemy is responsible for us feeling like we can't love without consuming.

The love I'm talking about doesn't have to look exactly like that, but it does have to be true, unreserved, and good.

"I will wait for this to end - the back and forth, the battery – for you at last to comprehend... The kind of love of which I speak."

"There's a wind alive - in the valley - it will fill your lungs - if you'll have it"

"I know who you are now - and I name you my enemy!"

Are you with me?

## Chapter?? I barely know her. I just wanna share some stuff with you. :

I have a story I've been working on for 10 years.

It's not a book, I just act it out & pretend I am the characters. Like a child would do.

Anyway, the main character loves Christmas and she finally got her Christmas wish, she wanted her friends to all be together since 2 of them died.

So she did some magic stuff and kinda made everyone alive again – But you see, she was chosen to be the one among them who knows everything, and who has to be in and out of different realms all the time.

So its important that she'd finally just make everyone be together after they're done fighting the bad guys.

(also I make the story so none of this has to make too much sense)

Cool, right? Look, it means a lot to me.

"happiness only real when shared"
-Alex/Chris McCandless

At last, I am getting better at expressing my thoughts.

This is wonderful, let it continue!

It took a long while of many problems coming from not being able to express myself.

Dear reader, lets meet in the forest by the ocean side and watch as isolation, fear, and selfishness are suffocated by our relentless care for protecting good things.

And of course, our favorite art is always there to give us a speed boost that we'd probably rot to death without :)

What things do you care about? What art have you made or have enjoyed deeply? Tell me.

evelsxd@proton.me (Email for any reason.)
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